I don't know where to begin or if I even should, frankly. Every day I sit down to place a new set of thoughts on this particular page, this particular journal. Every day I walk away, disillusioned and disappointed in myself that I have not written even one note, so to speak. Not even one.

There was a time, a very long period of time when I felt so connected to people here and to DA itself. There was not a day that went by that I was not either creating art or conversing with others here about the same and more. Sure, my muse would leave every now and again, vacationing somewhere out of reach, not to be heard from,until once again she would appear out of nowhere at just the right moment with just the right amount of inspiration and a mischievous smile. It seems now as though in hind sight, what she was really doing was slowly removing a small piece of her at a time until I woke up one day and realized she had left for good. What I had once enjoyed immensely had now dwindled down to nothing more than a soft trail of stars fading in the distance, and I could see only a glimpse of myself in the reflection of what I had once called my passion or lust for in life. I still linger in the background, but life and its glorious tragedies have seemingly separated me from what I love and in the process, I have simply just drifted away.

Life is more complicated these days it seems, or maybe I'm just tired, worn down from all the years of fighting and struggling. So many symptoms, so many illnesses, yet the dots are still blurry, so much so that they are still unconnectable with a final and exact diagnosis. Physically, mentally and emotionally, a lifetime of this has left me tired, weak and broken. I am still trying out options that are within my grasp, but these days, the light, the spark of hope I have always had, just doesn't seem to shine as bright anymore. I no longer live life the way I once did, and my thought process is definitely different, but as I have no other option than to just keep moving, for now I only exist to the extent that I must, and nothing more. Learning to live comfortably in utter darkness has become my long term goal.

I still keep up with a friend or two that are here, and I truly miss the ones who went on before me (Love and hugs to the Spider, Katie and Lissa). A new age has come for me however, and newer battles are just beginning. What will happen along the way and what the final outcome will be is anyone's guess. All I can do now is wait patiently, still look around me daily for the things I CAN be grateful for, and if possible, use my own experiences and insight to help those who are hurting as I am, or even worse.

If you come across this entry and wish to comment, I would ask that you please not cite cliché' comments, condolences or the like. They will not be addressed. To me this is not a journal written to gain sympathy, yet one that as I write it, truly gives me some sort release in my situation. Maybe my muse hasn't really left, yet has only switched gears in an attempt to gain new ground and new interests in my life. One will just have to wait and see. In the meantime however, I will finish my smoke, choke on a few more pills and let my thoughts drift where they will; hopefully to a much less painful place. I am left however with the determination and certainty that all this will, without a doubt, eventually end. Maybe not today, but definitely someday....

Love and miss You Guys